Random Thoughts

These days, the Sexy Nomad is not quite her usual confident self. It’s not something emotional since she’s been feeling pretty happy and lucky about the other aspects of her life life — love, finances, friendships and family. But personally, she’s been having troubles which she cannot fully comprehend… matters of the psyche that she  would like to try to sort out by writing about it here, no matter how nonsensical it might seem. Maybe some of you out there who are much wiser  and mature can help her sort it out somehow. So here it goes …

Slowly, I’ve been losing trust in myself, my capabilities, my dreams, my talents, my aspirations… People around me are saying all these wonderful characteristics about myself. But I just can’t feel nor see these good things anymore. It’s probably brought about by the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Most of the time, I don’t understand the technical details of the nature of my work. And more often than not, I want to get out of it, like my best friend Mer, who is brave enough to resign from her job and pursue her dream of teaching dancing lessons in Malaysia. The thing is, I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I can’t even pinpoint where I am good at.

 

Just look at my other friends. They have everything going for them. Mer is very talented in dancing. She’s been dancing her whole life and that’s one skill no one can take away from her. Peachie is very skilled in HR matters be it payroll, research or recruitment. Koryn is someone I can call a “seasoned” writer/producer or whatever it is that you call someone who’s been working in the background of the showbiz industry for a while now. Michelle is climbing the corporate ladder in hotel management. Jem is currently pursuing her spiritual quest in the US while maintaining a high-paying job in American Express. Irene is more skilled than ever in the field of quality assurance while at the same time teaching kids at Sunday School and getting involved in several Christian and Charismatic activities. Ces is also very much of an expert at her managerial job at ICT. 

 

When I was much younger, like during my elementary years, all I wanted to happen was to finish schooling so I may be able to do whatever I want afterwards. In the process, I also wanted to explore other exciting things. No wonder I got involved into tons of extra-curricular activities, many of which I led too. Those were fun times indeed. I was into organizations, as varied as may be. From Math Club to Sewing Club; From Art Club to the School Government; From Drama Club to Psychology Circle; From Student Welfare & Services Club to Science Club.  The list of things to learn were endless. Add to that the fact that I also did minor entrepreneurial ventures on the side just so I can start earning my keep, being a scholar & all. I led a busy & challenging life even for a student.

 

Come early adulthood, I began exploring other ventures like attending singing lessons at Center for Pop Music and completing my acting workshop at ABS-CBN. I also experienced real theater acting where people really paid us to act and that’s when I was also able to take a bit of a dip into the world of showbusiness by doing some bit roles on TV and some commercials. But it didn’t last. I accepted a regular job at my present company and since then I led a sort of a more ordinary life (with a bit of traveling and partying, thank God for that!).

 

And now, our management training is almost over. Hopefully, all of us will be able to graduate by the end of   September. Although sometimes, I wish to not graduate, if only to dodge certain bigger responsibilities. My life was ok before this management training. I was working pretty well from 8am-5pm plus the occasional  “overstaying”  when the need arises. Other than that, I was living my life after office hours and during the weekends. My worry right now is that maybe, I won’t be really good at the bigger and greater responsibilities that will come my way once training is over. Because honestly, I’m not passionate at my job. It’s just something I do to earn big bucks. Most of the time, like I said earlier, it’s so difficult for me to understand most of the technicalities involved in the insurance business. Because how can I when my undergraduate background is psychology? I hate numbers, formulas and legal matters. My brain cells don’t have the magical capacity to understand these things. And yet, these will be the things that I might have to face once I’m out there in the real world again. A world that will squeeze every time I have, every energy I keep. I fear that I may  just lose my carefree life or what’s left of it. And that’s not how I want to spend my life. All for money? All for security? Then what? I get stressed and sick and depressed in the process?

 
Maybe I just worry too much. What do you think?

 

Help.