Depression

 Listening to:

  coz… despite everything, we are still here, against all odds.

I am depressed. It slowly and unknowingly crept into my system a week ago, while all this house hunting thing was going on. It didn’t help that I was always physically tired from work and not getting enough sleep at all. Then it just hit  me hard yesterday while I was going about my duties. I felt like collapsing, literally and figuratively. All of a sudden , I felt like I’ll never be happy in this lifetime.

What I wanted lately was to have our dream beach wedding next year. But with the housing loan going on, I just don’t think it will ever come true anymore. If it does, we might be too old already. Hmmm…it got me thinking that maybe, deep down inside,  I am also conventional just like most girls/women? That perhaps I also want what most of you want — a nice wedding, a baby, a home I can call my own?  Gosh! This is so unlike me! But I’ve been really thinking about it this past couple of weeks… (talk about peer pressure, hahaha!)

Of course, it seems exaggerated. We all have problems and mine is nothing compared to all the bad things happening all around the world. But then, it is happening TO ME so forgive me if I make such a big deal out of it. I just want to take this time to let it all out and purge. Perhaps after I finish writing this entry, I’ll get a better perspective with what’s happening and I’ll eventually feel a lot better.

Going back to my issue, there used to be a time when I was happy just playing around. I mean, like marrying Peter in sort of a rush (civil rites) before Mama (his mom) passed away, even when we were broke just because we were so much in love. Then we started traveling together with our friends with the use of the extra money we save every now and then coz we thought he’d be working abroad and we wanted to save as many happy memories as we can. Then he was offered work here in Ortigas and we couldn’t be any happier. We maintained the happy lifestyle we wanted as long as we can, while helping my family financially as well. And I was happy. I was content. Then I thought maybe we could have the wedding we’ve always been dreaming of by saving and sacrificing leisures some more.  I was really excited with the thought. When I started telling my close friends about it, I was really happy to hear some of them volunteer (Koryn, Pat, Angel as our coordinators and Lora to do the invites).

And now, THIS… the huge responsibility of owning a home. It just caught me unprepared. All the while I thought we’d wait for the Bulacan house to get sold before buying another one. But it’s Peter’s (Pa’s) money so it’s their call. Don’t get me wrong. I do understand and I am totally supportive of their plans. I am thankful for their generosity. It’s just that I thought I’d have the wedding first. In the meantime, goodbye to the wedding plans and the lifestyle I got so used to living.

It’s a big change. I wish I could have it all — the house, the wedding, the baby — all in one go. But if life is leading us to a different direction then so be it.I’ve been going with the flow ever since, living a life I did not plan, but here I am trying to make the most out of it. I’ll survive. I know I will.

P.S.

I told Pa a week ago that with everything that’s happening (house buying and the MDP thing at work), maybe God is telling me that I am ready for a new chapter in my life, like things are falling into place because I AM READY FOR SOMETHING BIGGER AND BETTER. If ever I do get included in the Top 40 MDP Candidates who will undergo  Junior Management Training for six months, then it would be perfect for the house buying coz I’d really have no choice but to stay focused, stop my happy-go-lucky ways which in turn would help us really save money for the house payment and interior design… Hay life!