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I Started to Smoke…

June 6, 2006

Again. I started to smoke again the other day. Have you done anything lately that you know you hate but just couldn’t resist for some reason or another? My heart was just brimming with so much angst, hatred, and uncertainty then that I needed to let it all out. So suddenly, I just decided to smoke (not weed, at least, which a friend gave me a few months back and still haven’t used). The same way last year when I just decided to quit smoking, cold turkey, for no concrete reason at all. And I’m amazed at how impulsive I can be. If I want something so bad, I just do it/go get it. If only I could want to be very happy and successful then perhaps, I’d be that too, happy and successful. On the other hand, happiness and success is just a matter of looking at things from a different angle.

So I can say that I am happy and successful too. Kind of happy that almost everything I wanted as a kid, I do have them now. Successful in a way coz I do have some sort of financial and time freedom. Well, no matter, I started to smoke and I don’t know when or how I’ll quit again… It’s becoming a habit of mine for three straight days now. I’d come home, prepare my food, eat while watching TV, then I’d microwave hot water in a cup and drink my coffee/tea afterwards. This is the most peaceful part of my night. Coz I’d stay outside, at our Lanai, sit on my Abaca hammock/chair, light incense, some candles, some multi-colored mood lamps, turn on my CD player and just let either Harry Potter or Bukas Palad soundtrack fill the air. Then I’d just smoke the night away, under the moon and stars, till I feel so at peace that I nearly fall asleep outside the house every time. I know it’s nothing to most of you but I do look forward to this new ritual of mine. I can do this every Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday when Peter goes home so late. Then I can have the whole house to myself and do whatever pleases me (even watch porn and stuff like that,hehehe). Oh well, that’s life. I make the most out of it. It’s just too bad coz I’m still not sure whether I’m preggy or not. Hopefully NOT coz I’m really getting addicted to nicotine again.

Hmmm… nothing really fascinating to say here. Just letting some smoke out of my system for now.

                                                                
 


Posted by sexynomad at 9:49 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

you're right Jen we have the power (with God's grace) to control any urge/bondage or whatever that we have but want to get rid of. It's just a matter of wanting it so bad and sticking with it. I'm sure you can do it! :)

Posted by Ires at July 7, 2006, 6:39 am

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